Heidis#01ExerciseOne
Part One - Conquistador
Another evening lavishing in the abode of my matters.
The end of the year approaches, the fireworks, the countdowns and the televised optimism for the new year are all soon to be in bloom. Yet, I remain horizonally in my, A proud citizen of the Republic of shut-ins.
«Wait for me, brother… I'll be sure to come back for you…».
Even bumbling of the new episode of my favorite show wasn't enough to perish the sadness inside me. Though I managed to hold back tears during the christmas season so I'll count that as a win for now.
Regardless the disquiet remains.
How did it ever come to this? How!
What do people think of you when you're unemployed? Societal Judgement? Probably not… Society judges you and forgets about you faster than you think. Failure? A burden? I can manage that I'm grown women and they're but abstract titles that come and go with age and I'm not afraid of them.
No, what frightens me is something invisible.
It's the way my auntie knocks on my room door and asks if i "have plans for today". It's the way I answer "not today…" or "soon" with a different tone of vagueness each time. Almost like I'm shooing her away. It's the way those knocks become less frequent.
The dread of being labeled as a failure to society was not what concerned me but rather what it would do to me in the long run. I've heard stories but never thought it was going to happen to me
How did it ever come to this? How!
«AGH!» It can't get any worse than this can it? If I don't break this cycle soon I'll die soon. I'll die again!
Gotta shake off the feeling. Gotta shake off the feeling. No use… I should just die a this point! But it can't get any worse at this point right?
There should've been warning signs, right…? An alarm. A goverment-letter saying "Cograts, your brain is gradually turning into mush." Yet here I stand at the shadow of my own collapse wondering if this was my fault or someone else's. Probably someone did this to me I'm sure.Not again! I'm doing it again!
Gotta shake off the feeling. Gotta shake off the feeling of i'll die!
«AAAGHH!»
That escaped my mouth before i could grab it. Hopefully auntie didn't hear any of that. Still it was the usual show for the audience in my room. I bet my figurines take bets for all the times I start to get irritated.
It seriously cannot get any worse than this…
Eh actually yeah, it is statistically unlikely that. I could run out of allowance, they could cut off the internet, they could even make a bad ending to Kamen Rider Hades in a few weeks…
There must've been a turning point. A single mistake, no matter how minor. A missed opportunity in bold letters, a goal that was offside. But no matter how much i trace it back I can only find small decision that seemed harmless like a postponed application, a day of rest or a week of "figuring it out."
It's been four years and i'm still "figuring it out".
If I don't break this cycle soon, I will die!
Not physically I think. I will still sit at the dinner table and say "thank you" but something inside will coagulate. Patience isn't a resource I can scarvbenge forever, even for someone as kind as my aunt. One day a subtle question will turn into a direct one and I will have run out of excuses by that time.
What is wrong with me? I’m not cursed, I’m not some tragic heroine - - hell, I even worked before. Small, albeit temporary, jobs, so I don’t even fit into the hikki brand. That must count for something, right? Civilization didn’t collapse while I was at it, so I must have done something right.
…
All I could do now is lay flat in my bed and drown in my sorrow. It's not my fault I'm sure of it.
«Everything will be final. I'll take you down…»
The bumbling of the episode was almost ending and I couldn't even focus on that.
«Our fates are intertwined? Don't give me that crap I'm nothing like you.»
It's not a crime to be a shut-in.
«It's just me now… I have to this alone.»
It's not my fault that I'm like this… This cannot have been just me that conclusion feels too simple that it's borderline stupid and cruel to be true. Someone must have adjusted the rules of the game against me! I can't stop gigling too myself it's so obvious now how could I be so blind to the truth. If I retrace every step of my life up until now I know I should be able to locate ground zero for it. Once I get there I'll be able to ask for reparations but not before kicking the shit out of them for all this. I'll finally ask the world to return to it's default setting and let me salvage what's left.
The only problem is I can only scan for a shadowy figure standing in front of me. We're standing at the crossroads of my mind but I just can't seem to reach them.
The speakers remained playing out the rest of the episode.
«That day… If only I hadn't met you»
Yeah…
«Heidis, you can feel my sorrow too can't you… I'll be waiting for you in the end of my journey. Until then keep up the fight.»
No, you're right, Hades! Today it's different! Today I will rise and reclaim the dignity. I will rise above the adversity of my enemies, walk out of this door and confront the bastard who took everything from me and bring down the kick of justice towards them!
…
Tomorrow might be a better day for this though… I haven't yet left the bed. A conquistador has to scout the battlefield before making such rash decisions.
Breakfast…
